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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.