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I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over