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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!