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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....