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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
Are you reading this from a toilet? Iām writing this from one.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.