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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did