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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.