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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. Iām gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.