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"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.