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There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.