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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Don`t believe everything you think.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.