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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.