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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver