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Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Is Nudeism a religion?
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park