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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook