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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.