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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.