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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues