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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.