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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?