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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers