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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"