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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!