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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you