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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.