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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.