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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it