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The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.