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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.