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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson