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Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!