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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe