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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!