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Exercise? More like extra fries.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.