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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.