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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.