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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.