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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?