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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.