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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball