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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...