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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…