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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.