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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.