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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.