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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?