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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!