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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.