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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.