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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.