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I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Sex, do it for the kids.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?