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The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.