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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?