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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.