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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.