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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
and alcohol are now friends.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?