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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.