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Jesus is coming.... look busy
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.