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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
never tell a lie...unless it is true
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be