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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Running behind is my cardio.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.