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I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
I play hard to get along with.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.