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Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"