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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Chip clips are for quitters.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!