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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.