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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.