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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.